Entries
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Argh. Fuck my life.
Fuck it.
Fuck you.
Lovely Angel <
6:29 PM
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Finally have some time at home and decided to blog. Nothing to do at home anyway. I caught two movies this week with two different groups of friends and both are just as precious to me. Caught Simpsons the Movie with Ben and Knocked Up ( not down, Kenny) with darling, kenny and his other half. If i were given a choice, I would choose Knocked Up over Simpsons anytime. Everyone should really catch that show. It certainly is worth every single cent. Next movie up : Alone.
I really should upload some photos but i've been lazy. Perhaps i should when i've transfered all the photos i've got from my camera to my lappy. Such a simple task but taking forever to complete. Seriously, this holiday is too short. I've yet to have enough time for myself let alone my other close friends. And next week marks the end of my holiday and that also starts a new chapter in my life. Hopefully it will be a wonderful start to my horrendous end from the semester in China. However, i don't wish for much after hearing stuff from lecturers. Let's just hope luck stays by me. :)
I guess i should have listened to you. You were right. I needed a break badly but somehow i continued, i strived, i cried and the end result's just so similar to my experience with yours. How scary. How heartbreaking. Should i have listened to you earlier and spare me from all these fatigue or should i continue slogging without any recognition? I'm at a loss. I'm at crossroads with my life. Let's just see how it goes.
Listening to Forbidden City's OST and the songs brought back so many nice memories. How i wish i could relive those memories again. How i wish time would slow down for a little while. Time flies, just so quickly. Its hard to catch up with you.
Don't ever give me up.
Lovely Angel <
6:29 PM
Thursday, July 26, 2007
You have made me a happy little girl. I love you so much baby. Thanks for always being there for me, thanks for always taking all the hurt and pain. I love you so much and i don't know how i can ever let you go. Thank you. You're the best. This is for you honey. Sorry for all the unhappiness caused by me for the past few days.
Catching The Simpsons with Ben tomorrow! Am i looking forward to it!
Alrighty, this will be a short post. Just wanted to post something in here in case you guys have been wondering where i've been and if i've been fine. :)
Lovely Angel <
9:43 AM
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Met up with my dears today for a short dinner and some walking around bugis junction. Though its been just 4 days since i last saw them, i missed them like crazy. It's funny. I dont see myself missing someone so much! Oops! I guess i'm still not used to life without them after having spent 4.5 months living together in China. They were my support, my strength throughout those periods and continue to be even when we're back in Singapore. Thanks for listening to my problem yt and ql. It may come on a little harsh your advice but i do appreciate it and i know you two meant the best for me.
Been thinking about what you said the whole day. It may not make perfect sense to me but i will still try to fulfil what is needed of me. I am not her and you need not treat me like you do her. It's completely unfair to me if i've already been judged before defending myself. It's not fair that i have to step in her shoes when i thought it was all a new beginning for me. It just isn't right that i be treated this way. However, i shall give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, just maybe, whatever happened was worse than i thought it is. Then again, i just hope to be treated fairly. Treated like a brand new person. Not a shadow to anyone else and of course, not a replica of her. I know i'm not good with words and i don't express myself the way i want myself to which may cause many misunderstandings but i'm hoping that i'm heard and i'm understood. Most importantly, i just wish that things never have to end. Then again, it's really hard to say wouldn't it? What with you being in a dilemma and unsure of your path.
Again, yet another beautiful friendship has ended. Not in the way i would expect it to be. I should have expected it the moment i posted that entry. I should have expected that things would turn ugly. I was prepared for everything because, a blog, is afterall an outlet for you to vent all your unhappiness when you don't feel like confronting the other party. You just hope that the other party will read your blog and understand what you've been going through, what you're unhappy with. I was prepared but i did feel a tinge of sadness upon realization that this friendship that i used to have was fake right from the very start. Perhaps i really should stop trusting people. Perhaps i should be selfish for once. Perhaps i should just live for myself and not anyone else. Hopefully i will be less hurt this way.
I've been so busy these days that i've hardly had the time to laze at home the whole day. There are so many people i want to talk to. So many people i wanna thank for showing me concern these past week but i've failed to do either. Thank you everyone, for always being there. Especially huijun who has always been silently going through all these with me. Thank you so much. I do appreciate everything that you've done.
Lastly, Amanda, i hope everything's been fine for you. Do contact me again so we can go out together.
As always, i wish i was devoid of all emotions. I wouldn't be crying every night then. I wouldn't be hoping for something so badly only to realize that it may not even happen. I wouldn't be so silly...
Lovely Angel <
4:18 PM
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Hmm.. today i started thinking on the topic of karma. Seriously, what is karma? In layman's term, i believe its called retribution. That's when someone does something bad unto others and gets the same treatment or even worse on themselves. Ah, that then is the true meaning of karma. That then brought me thinking on a more personal scale. Am i receiving my retribution now? I looked through all my previous entries very carefully, scrutinising each and every word and concluded that though there really were some hurtful and mean entries, i never did mean to smear anyone's reputation. All i did was to report the truth and nothing but the truth. I never did twist the facts, did i? I'm sure faithful readers of my blog can stand up and vouch for me. Apparently, someone doesn't seem to share the same thoughts as me.
Honestly my dear, if what i am doing is awfully and fuckingly wrong, wouldn't the world be devoid of nice and kind souls then? Go do some soul searching, would you my dearest? I'll be waiting patiently for your answer. If you tell me truthfully that you haven't been fake to any of your closest friends, i would advice you to go think again. However, if you, miraculously, realise your mistakes, i would solemnly but most gladly encourage you to throw away all those princessy behaviour and change for the better.
Oh, one gentle reminder. If it really irks you to see me appear on your friend's list, you could always ask him to block me off all your contacts or better, delete me altogether! I don't think i would mind losing someone like you for a friend.
This post marks the hundredth post of this blog. Amazing huh? I never did think that i would write so much in here. Thank you all of you for making this come true!
To the most important person: I've been dying to ask you this question for the longest time. If i were to ask you, would you agree? Or would you walk away like before?
Lovely Angel <
11:27 AM
Saturday, July 21, 2007
I seriously don't know what's wrong with me. I feel that i'm a changed person having spent 5 months in China. If you guys are referring to me spitting on the streets, showing classic chinese behaviour, then you are wrong. I have a different expectation of things altogether.
Things that used to bother me in the past have all started to haunt me again. Things that i used to cherish so much, the daily dinners, those relaxing moments, those heart to heart talks, all seem like a thing of the past. It is no longer a matter of neccessity but more of a matter of need. There are times when one's caught between neccessity and need. Neccessity is when you want or do something because you want to and not because someone forced you to it. Also, it's because it makes you feel happy. Need is more of a responsibility. Something you do just because you think the other party will be happy but in actual fact you're suffering inside. The daily messages and phone calls that i used to look forward are now replaced with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear that inevitable will happen. Those daily conversations which seemed so relaxing are now so strained, so solemn and so heartbreaking. Don't go on anymore, i beg you. My heart can't take it. I see myself crying to sleep practically every night but there's no one i could turn to.
19th July, 2009 will be the day but will i be able to wait that long? Or will i give up even before the dateline is due? Those moments, seemed so far away when in actual fact it just happened a few months ago! I hate to be the last to know. I hate to be kept in the dark but i'm constantly treated this way. This feeling sucks. Fuck this feeling.
And tears just keep rolling down.
Lovely Angel <
8:27 AM
Friday, July 20, 2007
I seriously think that i am too naive for this little world. Do i honestly think that i can make people happy? Is that even what they want? Am i even doing what i'm expected to do? Perhaps, i am just a fool. Someone who thinks that people around me are happy because i exist. Perhaps i really am a fool, someone who does silly things just so that the people around them neednt so much as to lift a finger and everything is done for them. Yes, i guess i am a fool, someone who doesn't know her limits and continues being the nice girl that she is infront of everyone. So who am i exactly? A clown? A maid? Or just someone everyone loves to abandon? Actually, i do like doing all these. I do like making people happy. I'll give it two years before i give up. If everything remains the same, i'll just be the biatch from hell.
Yes, i'm sure you guys must have guessed it. I'm back in Singapore, safe and sound. Enjoying every single minute of my life admiring gloomy faces, hearing naggings and scoldings which i deem quite pleasant and spending hours scouring through internet websites on the latest HDB flat for rental. How fulfilling, how fun. I totally love my life so don't ever ever tear me from this place i call home.
And i had a dream last night. Something i've dreamt of for the past few days since i came back. Something that has been on my mind since the very first night. Something i refuse to know nor find out. Well well, what can i say? I'm nothing but a clown..
Lovely Angel <
11:27 AM
Saturday, July 14, 2007
It's so damn bloody fake, the world out there. You have people coming up to you, baring their hearts out to you in the hope of getting something out from you only to use this against you to another party. Like, what the fuck? I seriously despise people like that and that includes you. You know who you are. I fucking hate you, you know that? If only they knew what you were doing behind their backs. If only they knew, they would never bare their hearts out to you. You bloody fucking two faced liar. And you act the innocent victim so that people around you will show pity to you not knowing that it is nothing but a facade. Yup, you may say that everyone wears a mask but i daresay that you wear the biggest mask at the masquerade. Given your upbringing, i would expect you to know or rather at least understand the meaning of a promise but last night just showed that you know nothing about that. Didn't your protective mother teach you all these? Didn't your teachers in school teach you at all? Or are you too damn good at playing the innocent victim that they let you off for breaking your promises? Fuck off man. You don't belong in this world. Carry on putting up this facade, cause i'm sure the person who gets the last laugh will definitely not be you. However i do thank you, you've let me in on so much more...
At long last, we will all be leaving this fucking irritating room. I'm sure it was named the 'fucking irritating room' for a reason. Well it truly is a fucking irritating room for we have to clear other people's shit, pay for something we didn't even use and lastly, try our hands at playing the servant. Well fuck it, i'm glad we'll all be leaving and the roles of the servant will be replaced by someone who is of a lower class, someone who doesnt mind playing the role of a servant. A pity that servant has to pay for things he or she doesnt want as well. Oh how happy you would be, not only are you able to get rid of unwanted stuff, you got yourself a free maid! Man, how very happy i am for you.
There you have it, my very last post in China for my next post will updated in singapore. I will miss this place, the people and the culture. I just hope i don't cry when i'm on the bus tomorrow. Well see you guys in 24hrs! I'm sure you guys will be able to hear from me the moment i touch down. Love you!!
Lovely Angel <
8:15 PM
Friday, July 13, 2007
Yes, i'm back from beijing safe and sound. Only a tad tanner. The sun was awfully strong over at the heart of China and we had people complaining of the heat and having headaches due to the heat. I was one of them but i was quite happy with the after effects of being under the sun for long hours for i came back with a healthy tan, something that doesn't really happen to me. 4 days 3 nights at Beijing was an enjoyable one albeit tiring trip. We visited places of interest and the huge shopping district. One drawback, however, was that it wasn't free and easy which means we have to wake up at an unearthly 630am everyday in order to complete our activities for the day. Not to mention enduring the bumpy bus rides. The places we visited were the forbidden city, great wall of china, peking university as well as tsinghua university. I feel that everyone should climb the great wall at least once in their life.
And finally, i'm left with just two days in China. Been busy packing my luggage and i realised the i overestimated the size of my baggage for i wasn't able to squeeze everything in it, resulting in me using another bag to dump my remaining stuff. Will be doing my final pack up tmr where the last of all things will be dumped into my luggage. Tomorrow will be the day when everything is final. Though i've been waiting for this day for the past 4.5 months, i can't help but feel sad that i'm leaving. I guess i will miss the carefree and carefree days. Most importantly, i will miss ql and yt.
Just a note to YOU: Fuck you. I wish you could just fuck off, out of my life and i never wish to see or hear from you ever again. It was just wishful thinking of my part to think that i was able to 'change' you but a leopard will never change its spots and the same goes to you. Fuck you. I wish you would lead a fucked up life.
Oh by the way guys, i've permed my hair..
Some photos for your enjoyment.
Beijing airport
Forbidden city
Forcing a smile despite the hot weather
On the way to the great wall
Just look at that, people..
Before the climb
On top of the world
Peking university
Tsing hua university
Lovely Angel <
8:15 PM
Yes, i'm back from beijing safe and sound. Only a tad tanner. The sun was awfully strong over at the heart of China and we had people complaining of the heat and having headaches due to the heat. I was one of them but i was quite happy with the after effects of being under the sun for long hours for i came back with a healthy tan, something that doesn't really happen to me. 4 days 3 nights at Beijing was an enjoyable one albeit tiring trip. We visited places of interest and the huge shopping district. One drawback, however, was that it wasn't free and easy which means we have to wake up at an unearthly 630am everyday in order to complete our activities for the day. Not to mention enduring the bumpy bus rides. The places we visited were the forbidden city, great wall of china, peking university as well as tsinghua university. I feel that everyone should climb the great wall at least once in their life.
And finally, i'm left with just two days in China. Been busy packing my luggage and i realised the i overestimated the size of my baggage for i wasn't able to squeeze everything in it, resulting in me using another bag to dump my remaining stuff. Will be doing my final pack up tmr where the last of all things will be dumped into my luggage. Tomorrow will be the day when everything is final. Though i've been waiting for this day for the past 4.5 months, i can't help but feel sad that i'm leaving. I guess i will miss the carefree and carefree days. Most importantly, i will miss ql and yt.
Just a note to YOU: Fuck you. I wish you could just fuck off, out of my life and i never wish to see or hear from you ever again. It was just wishful thinking of my part to think that i was able to 'change' you but a leopard will never change its spots and the same goes to you. Fuck you. I wish you would lead a fucked up life.
Oh by the way guys, i've permed my hair..
Some photos for your enjoyment.
Beijing airport
Forbidden city
Forcing a smile despite the hot weather
On the way to the great wall
Just look at that, people..
Before the climb
On top of the world
Peking university
Tsing hua university
Lovely Angel <
8:15 PM
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Hey everyone, i will be going on a cultural trip to beijing on the 7th of july and will only be back on the 10th of july. I'm reachable via my singapore mobile if anyone of you miss me too much. If not, shall see you guys again on the 11th!
9 days to home. Finally, a single digit.
Lovely Angel <
8:15 AM
Friday, July 06, 2007
Oh just go ahead with all your activities which require your precious attention.
Everything requires your attention except me.
Perhaps i'm leading too fucking good a life to deserve your attention.
Yup my nightly activities are as fucking interesting as my history lecture so i am ALWAYS entertained.
Oh and did i tell you, i love staying up late at night. I do so love playing with my phone. It keeps me awake. It rejuvenates me.
I so fucking love the life i'm leading now that i'm dreading going home in 10 days.
Fuck, i'm left with 10 days
Lovely Angel <
2:15 AM
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Five down, none left.
How cool is that?
And we're finally rid of exams.
Finally rid of all things related to ZUCC.
Finally rid of books.
11 days to home.
Hmm.. seems kinda surreal doesnt it?
Lovely Angel <
8:15 PM
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Four down, one more to go.
No kidding!
Rid of exams in two days!
13 days to home..
To you: I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.
Lovely Angel <
4:35 AM
Monday, July 02, 2007
And it's finally july!
We've braved four months in this god-forsaken country!
Are we good or what?
The best thing is, we're left with only 14 days!
That's exactly two weeks!
But we've got 3 hurdles to cross : the impending history paper, media paper as well as the heavily packed beijing trip.
Oh what the fuck, i'm going home soon...
Lovely Angel <
2:11 AM
Sunday, July 01, 2007
3 down, 2 more to go.
I'm bothered by something which seems to be non-existent.
But, i'm still very much bothered.
15 days to you
Lovely Angel <
7:11 AM
